let go, my soul

i’m a bit of a control freak. not in the way that i like to manipulate people into doing what i want them to do, but in the way that i need to know what my life is going to be like. i obsess over goals, i worry about how to fulfill them. i have checklists in every page of my planner, often the same goals written over and over and over again, just to ensure that i don’t forget what i need to do to be successful. monday: 8am/up. 8:30am/finish getting ready. 9-12/class. 12:30/lunch. 1/sapling chapter 4, mastering physics chapter 19. 5/get to CG, do SG prep. 7-9/SG. 9/read chapter 20 physics. lab report. get at least 5 hours of sleep. words on a post-it. repeated 3 times on 3 post-its. stuck on one page of my planner.

all my life, my goals were predictable and calculated to the point that i couldn’t possibly see myself messing up. get a 100 on every spelling quiz, read four books a week. be on the UIL team, make a decent chair in band. be in the top 10%, get a certain score on the SAT. even now, i have goals. make dean’s list, volunteer 4 hours a week, shadow here, get a job there, pay my rent and bills, get accepted to medical school, become a doctor. get married at 25. have two kids. live life. i have endless checklists, endless goals.

i was talking to someone this week, just voicing some personal worries i have had, and how out of control i felt. he said to me, “when you are in control, you stop relying on God. and He knows it.”

at that moment i started looking closely at myself. i saw that it was true. when i knew my plans, i relied on myself. when things went my way, i grew confident in my own abilities. when i succeeded, it was a testament to my own intelligence, my own hard work, my own talent. of course, at the back of my head, i know that the credit isn’t mine. i have always had my parents’ support, my friends always encourage me, and most importantly God blesses me with my being and is the one who has created me… but in those moments of pure exhilaration, who am i giving glory to? God? or myself? i am afraid of the answer. but thinking more and more… i see where i am putting the credit, especially in my failures. when i fail, i crumble. i beat myself up so hard about every mistake, every flaw. i blame myself for everything. why am i being so hard on myself?

i have been so busy trying to control my life. i have taken on the burden of my life. i have been trying to be my own god. my burden is heavy, and my yoke is so hard.

and God, in typical God fashion, has been busy turning my life inside out. everything that i’ve been clinging to that isn’t God, He is uprooting. He beckons for me to return to Him. to seek Him. He knows that only when i’m completely lost, when i’m at loss of what to do, that i turn my face to the ultimate Redeemer. and in that moment, when i turn towards Him, God embraces me with all of His love and comfort and goodness. and reminds me of who He is to me. He is my future. He is my present. He is my past. He has been with me always, He will never forsake me.

i’m processing, still. i’m still trying to comprehend this. i still worry, i still freak out. i still cry a lot, and still have trouble leaving my burdens, stress, worries at the feet of Jesus. i still have been making those stupid checklists. but i feel God breaking in to my heart, one day at a time. i feel Him pressing in to me. and i’m excited at what’s in store. i have to admit, it’s scary, but isn’t that faith?

take me back to the place where my heart was only about you, God.

-j

it’s crazy, isn’t it? that every time you have a revelation with the Lord, and you think you’ve matured so much.. He reveals something completely new to you? or just kind of tells you that you your first revelation isn’t over? you think you’re flooded with all this new experience of who Jesus is… and then you realize you’ve uncovered about 0.000000001% of His character. or at least.. that’s what it feels like to me.

the song in over my head (bethel) has some powerful lyrics. the first time i heard that song, i was captivated by the words. i have come to this place in my life, i’m full but i’m not satisfied… i’m standing knee deep but i’m out where i’ve never been…

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