i will fight to follow

^ that is the title of one of my first drafts. i started blogging my freshman year of college, as a very very optimistic eighteen-year old. i remember writing late into the night, taking study breaks from bio and calc to document my thoughts. every few months, i’d stay focused enough to finish a post, and it was published. my flaws, my trials, my successes. i was sure i’d look back and reminisce on my growth through those posts. i was right. but i had no idea that i’d also be thinking back and reflecting on my drafts.. the unfinished thoughts.

it’s interesting to see how so much has changed since 4.5+ years ago, yet how so many things haven’t. i’ve gone through hills. through valleys. seasons of pursuit, seasons of being pursued. seasons of dryness, seasons of overflow. seasons of fighting to follow. seasons where following was the easiest thing i could do.

in this particular season, i’m really needing to fight. yet… i’m not really fighting, actually. not really following, either. i think the word for this season is apathy. passivity. uncaring, unbothered. but the thing is, it’s not something that i’m intentionally doing. i’m doing what i can to escape the stagnancy. trying to pray. trying to read the word. engaging in discipleship. going to church. serving in church. finding community in church.

but at the back of my mind, there’s a voice. liar. you’re a liar. hiding behind the facade of someone who has it put together. you have nothing together. you have nothing. you are nothing.

it’s a dangerous voice. the most dangerous words are those that contain a glimmer of truth. i don’t have things together. i am putting on a front that things are better than they are.

but then those truths become twisted, and just like a pair of headphones tumbling around in a backpack, it becomes harder and harder to unknot the lies that ensue. i’m worthless. i deserved this. it’s all my fault.

. . .

here’s the truth. i’m not put together. i’m more than halfway through my gap year, working at a low-paying, low-glory, temporary job. i might have to take another year off if i don’t get accepted somewhere. i hate that i am not currently a productive member of society. i get jealous at my friends who are thriving and struggling in medical school (also jealous of my friends who have stable jobs and are living independently, or my friends who are engaged or married or NOT long distance and are starting lives with the loves of their lives). my family is being torn apart (physically) and i’m worried out that we will be torn apart emotionally. i go through periods where i feel extremely anxious and depressed, and subsequent panic attacks. i have one interview next week, my only medical school interview, and the fact that it’s just one and that it’s so late in the cycle freaks me out.

but here are more truths. i am not unworthy. i’m not worthless. no matter what punishment my sinful self deserved, i have a God who for some reason, extended unimaginable grace and delivered me from a lifetime of condemnation. i don’t understand it, and i most likely never will. everything is under control, even if it’s not under my control. i belong to the One who loves and desires good for me, not evil. i can really, really, really, lay my burdens down at the foot of the cross; i don’t need to face anything by myself. there are people around me who love me and treasure me and exemplify the love of Christ in tangible form.

i am in desperate need to take steps away from the lukewarm. God hates it, and in beautiful imitation of Him, so do i. i need to once again start the journey to fight to follow.

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